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It is already 5 in the morning and I still can’t find sleep.

Somewhere I read that people who suffer from insomnia are afraid of loosing control, there might be some truth in it.

I feel like I lost it already, being trapped in a situation where every move will raise consequences of tremendous dimensions.

Well, a friend of mine told me “Boris, stay quiet”, even actually I don’t want to, I remain staying silent, since every little attempt of breaking the chains is followed by others are put into serious trouble.

And that’s something which is not right, as it is not their fault; it is my own private misery.

Admitting that I actually lost something, my faith in the future…

I lost my reasons, my direction, and my aim.

I’m pretty bad without those, it like an overwhelming void where you can’t pin point anything and due to the absence of everything there is no movement either.

But thanks to modern quantum physics we know that the void is actually the matrix of matter, with the right quantum of energy at the right time we create substance.

Sounds almost supernatural, well speaking of it reminds me that I made some special experiences of it on my own.

Small things, but still not explain able… like bringing up questions in my mind and getting immediate answers, without me even asking.

Or I thought about my ex-girlfriend (we broke up under bad circumstances) and about one our later she phoned me, we haven’t been in contact for more than half a year. But that strangest of all was that one night I thought about becoming a monk, to get rid of all the stuff around me. A day later on my way to work 3 monks approached me; since my mandarin is rather bad our communication was quite simple. Obviously they wanted to sell something but I made them understand that I’m not going to buy anything, even though they blessed me and one of them gave me his Buddha bracelet as a present.

Coincident? All of them?

Signs? Maybe

Could need some weed or a doctor or both

I definitely think too much…

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Comment by Sissi on November 3, 2009 at 10:13pm
HI BOZ, vielen Menschen leiden an Insomnia , aber vielleicht kannst du traditionelle chinesische Medizin probieren, es scheint Chinesische Medizin das Leid mildern zu koennen .Ich wünsche Ihnen Gesundheit! :-)
Comment by BoZ on January 9, 2008 at 10:33pm
Guys you are really sweet...
The case is that I can pinpoint my problem very well, so I don’t need a shrink to find out about it, even I would not mind seeing one.
I also know a couple of solutions, but I don’t dare going those ways as they would put others in trouble.
Even I consider myself as selfish to a certain degree I also feel responsible and in this case the responsibility has a higher value.
I was talking to many people but no sufficient conclusion has risen up.

What I need right now is distance, rest and real friends.
I have to draw a line beneath my recent life and start over.
Comment by BoZ on January 8, 2008 at 7:41pm
that's a nice way of looking at it
but the so called "void" was more a description for the feeling, not for my life


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