From The Daily Mash
THE Chinese were celebrating another great leap forward today as their lives finally achieved Western levels of hellish pointlessness.
Confucius didn't even have a telly
Thousands of people stuck in a 10-day long traffic jam near Beijing sounded their car horns to mark the moment China matched Europe and the US for self-defeating greed and impotent fury.
Wan Jing, an accountant, said: "I am constantly filled with anxiety, I cannot sleep and my once busy penis now flops pathetically like the neck of a recently strangled duck. It is a great victory for the wise men of the Central Committee.
"I think of my mother and father working in the fields and eating three meals a day with their family and friends before telling each other wondrous stories and drifting off to sleep. What utter morons.
"I doubt they could ever, in their wildest dreams, have imagined me sitting here going absolutely nowhere for 10 days and winding myself into a tight ball of never-ending hate - in a brand new Golf GTI!"
Yang Shao, a construction foreman, said: "Confucius would no doubt say that in finding one's way one can lose one's way. But he was just some old fucker who lived in a tree.
"The world will quake with fear at the sight of our massive jam and see that we now have the economic and technological wherewithal to completely ruin our lives."
He added: "My grandfather lived to the ridiculous age of 117 and was finally killed by a car when he was running across the road to buy some cigarettes.
"It is my dream to be the first member of my family to die of a stroke at the age of 52, preferably behind the wheel of my Audi as I plough across four lanes of world-beating rush hour traffic.
"I'd like to see Confucius come up with something clever about that."