I have been sacked yet again. I don’t understand why; I have a degree, surely I’m not expected to do any work? Fortunately, I have come into some money. The last people who sacked me didn’t follow the proper process – so I managed to sue them for a few quid. This will teach them to employ stupid people in HR. They may also want to tighten their recruitment process for recruitment consultants so they don’t have to shed dead weight like me in the future.
I sat at my desk for 60 hours a week gazing into space for those ungrateful fuckers. So the 4 grand in compensation is justly mine – even if I never brought them any business. What did they expect from a man who kept shitting his pants anyway?
Never mind. Forget all that shit about working for employers who pay wages and expect work. I have had a wonderful idea. I have a friend who is moving to Australia and that sounded nice. Then I checked online and realized that I couldn’t move to Australia as they have strict controls on immigration and my degree in finger-painting wouldn’t get me in.
So I decided to do a round-the-world-trip. It turns out that my map’s faulty because I failed to set foot in Europe and the Americas. So it was more of a round-the-bottom bit of the world except for South America trip but I won’t let that get in the way of a good story.
It was on this trip that I found a miraculous new calling. Imagine a profession where no skills are required! Imagine that they’ll employ anyone white and who speaks English!
That sounded perfect for me so I applied to a school in Singapore. They immediately accepted because anyone stupid enough to work for less than rent money in Singapore is perfect for an ESL placement. After several months of drinking my own urine and tasting my own feces – I struck out on my own! To Shenzhen, China I went.
Perhaps unsurprisingly the school I worked for could not convince the Chinese authorities that finger-painting qualifies me as an expert; so I ended up working as an illegal immigrant for less than $500 a month and sharing an apartment with other failures like me.
In addition to not being able to write in English, I also can’t speak Chinese. Luckily there were 40 other fuckwits in the same situation and we all helped each other become better illegal immigrants. Some people even managed to raise their salaries to $1,000 a month! That’s got to be better than making twice that in McDonald’s where they give you paid holidays, free food and a uniform right?
Now diary I need a long rambling interlude in this story about my childhood. At least that was true in the original – here’s a quick summary:
• My sister is a stewardess and can speak Arabic. (How is this relevant to the story? Fuck knows but she is.)
• The kids at school made fun of me for being thick. I can’t understand why. This made me strong though no cleverer.
• I am proud, educated (no-one finger paints better than me) and working class (though working is something I’m averse to).
This makes me the perfect candidate to endure the horrors of China. As we used to shit on the front door step when I was a kid, it doesn’t bother me here at all. No-one’s ever said anything nice to me so I find the rudeness of the Chinese strangely comforting.
I am amazed that my students don’t laugh in my face. So if they’re fooled into thinking I am a teacher everyone else should be happy.
I earn shit money in China. My total package is about 15,000 RMB per month. That’s about $2,500. Fortunately I have no standards whatsoever and can live on 10,000 RMB a month. So I save the rest to start up a “business” back home. Over the last 2 years I have saved nearly $10,000 which should further my ambitions of cleaning windows no end. Only another 20 years and I’ll be able to afford a van.
This is better than working in England legally because in England they expect you to do some work. Never mind that as a graduate on a McD’s training scheme I could be earning twice that figure after a couple of years’ work.
I can take a holiday whenever I like too. Mainly because when you do nothing of value nobody misses you when you’re gone.
I can use my own materials in the classroom and Crayola shares must have rocketed in price thanks to this.
Fortunately my girlfriend’s Chinese so she has low expectations which I can live down to.
One day I will leave China. I’m sure that I could give it up if I wanted to. I’m just wondering, Dear Diary, where the fuck else will have me when I’m done? Perhaps Ecuador? I hear they have plenty of room for unskilled illegal immigrants too.