'High Definition' Strategic Marriage & Relationship Values (4)

▼Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes▼

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO COMMITMENT?

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WE PAY LIP SERVICE TO COMMITMENT & MAKE A MOCKERY OF MARRIAGE WITH DISMISSIVELY ERRONEOUS RELATIVIST POSTULATES

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AND SOMETIMES, THOSE "DISMISSIVELY ERRONEOUS RELATIVIST POSTULATES" TEACH US THAT COMMITMENT MUST BE DONE RIGHT

I am no fan of speculation. I have absolutely no interest in judging Tom Cruise or K. Holmes.

These blogs, like the On the Origins of Love series, are an exercise in self development.

Not an invitation to blame, shame, speculate then yawn after superficial joy of gossiping

is depleted. For that kind of content or blog, an endless array of options abound on the

web. What we are trying to do here, is learn something. Something like: how to do

commitment right. During a business meeting last night, my host made a...slight

remark about the absence of a marriage ring on my finger and its implications

whereupon I exposed the error in his thinking. After reminding him and his

wife about the common sense in Oprah's favorite opening line “Everybo

-dy has a story” (listen up to 1st minute), I revealed as I watched both

long faces, that I was married once before, adding the circumstances

leading to my annulment of the marriage. We live in a time when

it's not just logic and clear thinking that's on short supply but the

very art of listening with the intent to fully understand. With

genuine curiosity out the window, “well-educated” adults

are often on even keel with kids with only 2-min atten-

tion span. The same malady, sadly, surfaces in today's

so-called relationships and marriages. Understanding

how commitment, grace, pure motives, patience

and at least in my case, strong Judeo-Christian

values — which mind you — struggles with the

divorce problem (infra) works, is viewed

often as peripheral. Meanwhile sweet &

often, meaningless words & promises

take center stage. Unfortunately,

as both Mary Baker Eddy and

Ravi Zacharias warn, that's

how & where expiration

dates on relationships

are set unbeknownst

to at least one of

those involved.

God help us

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The 8 Lies & Myths that Destroy a Marriage

S o u r c e

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Lie #1: "My happiness is the most important thing about my marriage.”

Every marriage knows unhappiness. Every marriage knows conflict. Every marriage knows difficulty. But everyone can be joyful in their marriage by focusing on God’s purposes and His glory instead of individual happiness.

As a pastor, I can’t tell you how many people have justified breaking up their marriages by saying, “I have to do this. God just wants me to be happy.”

But according to God’s Word, a spouse’s individual happiness is not the purpose for marriage.

The Bible says in Colossians 3:17: “Whatever you do in word or deed,” do for the glory of God. 无论做甚麽，或说话或行事，都要奉主耶稣的名，藉着他感谢父神。 While all parts of creation are to glorify God, mankind was made in God’s very image. Through marriage, husbands and wives are to reflect His character and have children who will reflect His character…all the way to the end of time.

Lie #2. “If I don’t love my spouse any longer, I should get a divorce.”

It’s a tragedy to lose love in marriage. But the loss of human love can teach us to access a deeper love—the very love of God Himself. That love is patient and kind…it never fails (I Corinthians 13). It even cares for its enemies.

When human love dies in a marriage, a couple can enter into one of the most exciting adventures they’ll ever have: learning how to love each other with God’s love. Romans 5:5 tells us that this very love “has been poured out within our hearts, through the Holy Spirit.” 盼望不至於羞耻，因为所赐给我们的圣灵将神的爱浇灌在我们心里。

Lie #3. “My private immorality does not affect my marriage.”

If you take your emotional and sexual energy and spend it on someone else, there will be nothing left for your spouse. Those who continually view pornography or engage in sexual fantasies are isolating themselves.

Oneness in marriage is hijacked by sexual immorality. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:15, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute?”...岂不知你们的身子是基督的肢体麽？我可以将基督的肢体作为娼妓的肢体麽？断乎不可！

In the 21st century, there are many ways to join oneself with a prostitute: physically, through the pages of a magazine, on a computer’s video screen, etc. Paul’s advice is the same today as it was thousands of years ago: Flee immorality (I Corinthians 6:18)...你们要逃避淫行。人所犯的，无论甚麽罪，都在身子以外，惟有行淫的，是得罪自己的身子。

Lie #4. “My sin (or my spouse’s sin) is so bad that I need to get a divorce.”

Some of the greatest life messages I know are the marriages of people who have repented from sexual sin and spouses who have forgiven them. Their lives today are living testimonies to the truth found in Joel 2:25: “… I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” 我打发到你们中间的大军队，就是蝗虫、蝻子、蚂蚱、剪虫，那些年所吃的，我要补还你们。

The truth is God can fix our failures—any failure. The Bible says to forgive one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven us (Colossians. 3:13). 倘若这人与那人有嫌隙，总要彼此包容，彼此饶恕；主怎样饶恕了你们，你们也要怎样饶恕人。

“But,” you ask, “Doesn’t Matthew 19:9 say that God allows divorce in the case of sexual immorality?”...我告诉你们，凡休妻另娶的，若不是为淫乱的缘故，就是犯奸淫了；有人娶那被休的妇人，也是犯奸淫了。 Yes. I believe that it does—when there is an extended period of unrepentance. Yet, nowhere in that passage does God demand divorce. When there is sexual sin, we should seek to redeem the marriage and so illustrate the unfathomable forgiveness of God.

Lie #5. “I married the wrong person.”

A wrong start in marriage does not justify another wrong step. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good,” says Romans 8:28, “to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” 我们晓得万事都互相效力，叫爱神的人得益处，就是按他旨意被召的人。

Many people have told me, for example, that they are free to divorce because they married an unbeliever. “I thought he/she would become a Christian, but that didn’t happen. We need to get a divorce.” They recall that they knew it was a mistake, but they married anyway—hoping it would work out. Others claim that they just married someone who wasn’t a good match, someone who wasn’t a true “soul mate.”

Here’s the key for those who are now married: The Bible clearly says do not divorce (with the exception for extended, unrepentant sexual immorality). God can take even the worst things of life and work them together for good if we will just trust Him.

Lie #6. “My spouse and I are incompatible.”

I don’t know a lot of husbands and wives who are truly compatible when they get married. In marriage, God joins together two flawed people...

If I will respond correctly to my spouse’s weaknesses, then God can teach me forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, mercy, humility, and brokenness. The life of a person who believes in Jesus Christ is developed by responses to not only happy things, but also to difficulties. And those very difficulties include weaknesses.

That is why we are told in Colossians 3:12-13 to “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other.”所以，你们既是神的选民，圣洁蒙爱的人，就要存（原文作穿；下同）怜悯、恩慈、谦虚、温柔、忍耐的心。倘若这人与那人有嫌隙，总要彼此包容，彼此饶恕；主怎样饶恕了你们，你们也要怎样饶恕人。 My spouse’s weaknesses are not hindrances. Instead, they are the doorway to spiritual growth. This is a liberating truth.

If I will respond to my spouse’s shortcomings with unconditional acceptance, my love won’t be based on performance. I won’t say, “You need to live up to these expectations.” I will be able to accept my spouse, weaknesses and all.

Lie #7. “Breaking the marriage covenant won’t hurt me or my children.”

Many consequences of divorce never go away...

When divorce enters a family, there are always scars. I know this firsthand; although I was an adult when my father committed adultery and divorced my mother, decades later there are still effects.

Blake Hudspeth, our church’s youth pastor, also understands the pain of divorce. He was 5 years old when his parents divorced, and it was hard for him to understand God as Father and to trust people. “The people I trusted the most split up.” He also found it difficult to accept love from others “because I didn’t know if they truly loved me.” And Blake developed a fear of marriage. “Am I going to follow the trend of divorce, because my parents and grandparents divorced?”

Blake’s father even wrote him and said, “This was the worst decision I made in my life. It was bad. It hurt you. It hurt our family. When I divorced your mom, I divorced our family because I broke a covenant that we were a part of.”

Lie #8. “There’s no hope for my marriage—it can’t be fixed.”

This may be the most devastating lie of all. Because in more than four decades of counseling couples, I’ve seen God do the seeming impossible thousands of times. In a dying marriage, He just needs two willing parties. God knows how to get us out of the messes we get ourselves into.

I tell these couples about people like Chuck and Ann, who were involved in drugs and alcohol before God restored their home. Or Lee and Greg, who were engaged in multiple affairs. God brought them back to Christ and to each other. Now they have six children and a marriage ministry. Or Jim and Carol who had taken off their wedding rings and were living in separate bedrooms and about to live in separate worlds when God redeemed them.

We must combat the lies about marriage. The truth will set us free (John 8:32).你们必晓得真理，真理必叫你们得以自由。 God can fix anything!

If you begin to think, There is no hope for my marriage, realize that, “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). 耶稣看着他们，说：在人这是不能的，在神凡事都能。

○ ○ ○'High Definition' Strategic Marriage & Relationship Values

(Other Iterations)

(Follow the Dove)

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On the Origins of Love (Act II)

(Highly Recommended)

(Follow the Dove)

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Click here for more videos

PEACE

F I N I S

Tags: Absence of Values, Accountabilty, Actions. Not Words., America, Assumptions, Attitude, Authenticity, Big Picture Thinking, Celebrities, Challenge, More…

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Comment by THiNKTaNK on July 2, 2012 at 6:35am: Haha...That's what's up.

Have a nice day...And may the bizarre continue passing you by!

Comment by David - 戴維在中國 on July 2, 2012 at 2:38am: And I forgot to mention another thing about the content and meaning of that particular song to me it's about stepping up. But I have learned all to well 99.999% don't, but they sure do talk a good game.

Comment by David - 戴維在中國 on July 2, 2012 at 2:33am: you mess with them or attempt a serious relationship at your own peril. You know?

Indeed I do. Preaching to the choir my friend.

This sort of thing actually happens to me...

The bizarre usually passes me by in China (or anywhere for that matter) though I am not sure if that is a good thing or not as it does not happen to me often enough to form a sound opinion on for me personally.

"sometimes I think there's something wrong with me" (ever met people who say that)

Yes. To which I usually reply "There is something wrong with everyone sometimes, somewhere, in someone's eyes" Or "You have no idea..."

I have never known (nor ever will) a brat who was mature, let alone reasoning when most needed. And I have always said that we ignore the warning signs at our peril it is so, so true mate.

A good one that.

And as regard to inconsideration, pain and selectivity I guess everyone has their fare share. I always aspired to the following as a young man right on down the line until a few years ago, and always hoped I could live up to it, and have it paid in kind. Often it wasn't, and I learned that I couldn't - but at least I can say I tried.

I'm out!

And as far as 99.999% of modern relationships are concerned - so am I! I am used to a battlefield of a different breed of animal, the playing fields of today's battles are too much for an old fellow like me. ; )

Comment by THiNKTaNK on July 1, 2012 at 6:29pm: Haha. Yeah, the "Zombies" bit resonates and yes, I have. But in my case, it's not just the ones who "bore [you] to death". Look at it this way because I really don't want you/readers to misunderstand the point I was making which had to do with the dangers of messing with people so lost and confused you mess with them or attempt a serious relationship at your own peril. You know?

A functional alcholic has more personality and pazazz than a strikingly hot woman who opens a conversation with a total stranger on public transport with: "I think Mao is great". I mean seriously. WTH am I supposed to do with that? "Yeah, I also like blueberry jam and while we're on Mao, do like Marmite with your politics and communication skills?" This sort of thing actually happens to me...from time to time in China. But I get it from expats also.

Really really absurd communication and social skills masquerading as ... I don't know, normalcy? If not intelligence? I found that every man who woman who ever uttered the words "sometimes I think there's something wrong with me" (ever met people who say that), often know themselves best. 98% of the time, they actually act it out. Hope you get it now. I watch out for personality and warning signs a lot these days. Insecurity too, of course. Because insecure partners manufacture tumult into otherwise normal relationships. And I'm teaching myself stop hoping someone who isn't commited to lifelong learning and development which include those social and communication skills I mentioned, can offer maturity, calm and reasoning when most needed. Which leads me to your point about: "many cannot be blamed for doing so. It is a 'need' that so many have but do not understand what that 'need' really is." I look at it this way, any sign of the "spoiled brat" is a warning sign I overlook at my own peril! Give them a chance and they'll waste your time, life and positive energy.

This is where I am right now. And I treat both beautiful women and the ELDERLY immature males online and on Social Media sites the same way...because guess what, this African proverb (which my Chinese friend couldn't at first understand) provides ample proof of the diagnosis:

Lastly, you keep alluding to (lack of) Reciprocity (which I discuss in both this and that blog) which tells me it's probably where you feel you've suffered the most in relationships. If I'm correct, all I can say is, I feel your pain. For a practicing Christian with the kind of memory I've been blessed with, that's the most challenging. Because once people start acting either inconsiderate or selectively forget how much you put into any human relationship there's a feeling of betrayal. Still, there's a Black tradition that teaches the suffering, marginalized, segregated, etc. poor minority kid that: "you don't have time to be a victim". You just do the right thing and (divine) Truth/justice will take care of the rest. I'm out! PEACE.

Comment by David - 戴維在中國 on July 1, 2012 at 4:13pm: The specifics of my own past exploits (especially former marriage) are well known and have been done to death really. Making me probably the last person to give relationship advice ; )

I am usually quite bad at personal relationships, and for a divvy (in the foresee sense without the occultism) such as myself I am blind in my own personal life always by my own disbelief and refusal to see, ergo - I make a bad relationship choice more often than not (or an easy target). Also because I like to keep things simple. Not arguing about every trivial thing is not - not caring, it is simply tiresome to me to do so. Going over the same things again and again, reinforcing the insecurities which while perhaps they have, I do not. This is my definition of madness via repetition.

I see both confused personalities and people who barely have any personalities all around

Or Zombies. Seen the walking dead? Not just a TV show! I see thousands walking the streets every day, only difference is they don't usually try to eat me, but they do very often bore me to death.

then you're wasting - and potentially - destroying other lives.

See it - know it - hate it! But, many cannot be blamed for doing so. It is a 'need' that so many have but do not understand what that 'need' really is. They are (as are we all realistically) missing something. Some need to be loved out of desire, others necessity - whatever, but how many can return in kind that which they themselves desire if they do not understand the nature of it, or themselves in the first place? If we could work that one out and bottle it we would be rich.

Comment by THiNKTaNK on July 1, 2012 at 3:10pm: CORRECTION:

But all that is irrelevant (to me) in the end because ultimately, IF values don't match and inauthenticity is staring you in the face through actions and omissions, there's no point prolonging the inevitable.

Comment by THiNKTaNK on July 1, 2012 at 3:07pm: Oh, OK. So that's what it was about. I remember seeing the title. But as usual ... (fill in the blank) :-)

I had to think about it too ; )

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Ah. But I, didn't have to think about it. Keen observation of what people say and do around here; and situational awareness...not just clearly defined values, determines my actions and omissions.

====================

Hmm...Expatiate on that please.

On the one hand the problem is one of choice, or as I see it we are hideously spoilt in our modern lives. People have so many (insert desire option of your choice here) with very little understanding of what is real and the true needs they really have. I always liked the phrase...

====================

Again, I appreciate it but I was hoping you'd be much more specific and perhaps use some real-life/real-world examples or stories.

Still, the point is well-noted (I hope):

Erratic people/potential partners, what I call and refer to in the blog above as moral relativism using the phrase DISMISSIVELY ERRONEOUS RELATIVIST POSTULATES; and just as you said, "confused" people or more specifically and Ziggy Marley and I use the same term: tomorrow people.... The Flickering Generation (video below)

I see both confused personalities and people who barely have any personalities all around (on and offline). But all that is irrelevant (to me) in the end because ultimately, values don't match and inauthenticity is staring you in the face through actions and omissions, there's no point prolonging the inevitable. But I must say, all this, in my life at least, is supplemented by a quiet obsession. That of: guarding not only my conduct and life but ultimately my doctrine...Because sometimes, one-sided relationships or not, sometimes, people who lie, cheat and are inconsiderate do not have the self insight to even know it which makes reasoning with them pointless.

It is not enough to have all the answers. If you're not walking your talk, then you're wasting - and potentially - destroying other lives. That's how I see and LIVE it.

Comment by David - 戴維在中國 on July 1, 2012 at 2:07pm: I liked that one too ; )

Hmm...Expatiate on that please.

On the one hand the problem is one of choice, or as I see it we are hideously spoilt in our modern lives. People have so many (insert desire option of your choice here) with very little understanding of what is real and the true needs they really have. I always liked the phrase

One-Sided Relationships - When Your Giving Is
Taking Too Much Out Of You

It used to be true that you SHOULD receive in kind but not any more. It comes down to the choice again. For many it is true that if they cannot get it here they will just go next door and get it there.

Or, if they get bored there will be something else/new/better along in a minute. Reliability is a commodity in very short supply in these times. You will find plenty of people who 'say' they want it, but for many of these 'same' people they wouldn't know what they wanted if it fell out of the sky, landed on their face, and started to wiggle. It goes against the very meaning of commitment (desired they say) All part of the throw away society I guess as people are expendable too.

But in the end it is simply that people more and more take more than they give, generally speaking. The desire far outweighs the temperance of it. This does not make them bad people, merely confused or lacking the necessary skills to focus. Relationships are often things you need to work at (back to the get out of it what you put into it question) and that is most definitely a two way street.

Oh, OK. So that's what it was about. I remember seeing the title. But as usual ... (fill in the blank) :-)

I had to think about it too ; )

Comment by THiNKTaNK on June 30, 2012 at 3:40pm: Cool bored gif LOL; your input deeply appreciated as always.

The one true thing I can say with any certainty I have learned about the 'value' of relationships is that contrary to popular belief you do not always get out of it what you put into it.

Hmm...Expatiate on that please.

Never even knew about JD & VP until Val posted her 'Dear Jonny' blog.

Oh, OK. So that's what it was about. I remember seeing the title. But as usual ... (fill in the blank) :-)

Comment by David - 戴維在中國 on June 30, 2012 at 2:29pm: Never even knew about JD & VP until Val posted her 'Dear Jonny' blog. And now these guys? Tom Cruise as an actor for me has always been 'hit and miss' in his performances as some I enjoy and others I don't. From a celebrity point of view I never really follow these things and the personal lives they have so much.

One thing I did wonder (without knowing so much about it apart from the arguing over the 'height issue' I read about) was when he split from Nicole Kidman. I always thought they made a good couple but cookie - crumble as they say.

like the On the Origins of Love series, are an exercise in self development.

As it should be. Relationships like life are a learning curve. I do not know anyone who does not wish to get it right first time but invariably (for whatever reason) doesn't. The one true thing I can say with any certainty I have learned about the 'value' of relationships is that contrary to popular belief you do not always get out of it what you put into it. Never having been interested in the "he said - she said" argument I tend to simply state my case and leave it at that. I leave the speculations and non-determinates to others as it's usually a case of Apples & Oranges anyway.

People tire of each other they say. Sooner or later everything just wears out and they get