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If you read my last blog post you'll know I think it's important to question the ideas that our culture influences us with. 
One thing I think that both Western and Chinese cultures have a bit of negative influence on is in how we think about sex.


Because of how sex was a more taboo subject for so much of history we still sometimes have trouble openly talking about it. I'm sure there's a few traditional girls out there that wont even make it through this article because they will think its 'perverted' or 'weird' and close it. 


But why should something as natural as sex be seen as taboo or perverted?... It's something that every single one of our ancestors back to the evolutionary begin of life on earth did to bring us here... and something that hundreds of millions of people do every day.


Because of all this taboo and supression of sex throughout or cultural histories I think we have developed some slightly negative views about sex. Many of the words we used to talk about sex (fuck, cunt, etc) are really negative and often also used as profanity... We call girls who have sex with lots of people bad names like 'whores or sluts'. We try to desperately hold on to our partners to ensure they never think about sex with anyone else.  Pornography is blocked on the internet (in china) and prostitution is viewed as a disgusting illegal thing by many. Well without going further the point is... theres' a whole lot of negativity surrounding 'sex'.


It's understandable where these ideas came from... thousands of years of cultural supression and condemnation of the subject, but with all our common day knowledge is this really the way we should be looking at sex?
I have some different views. I think sex is nothing but a beautiful experiences shared between two individuals... Why should it be anything else?


Why do we call people who have sex with lots of people 'whores or sluts or playboys'? As long as the person is open and honest with each of their partners, (and does it safely) there shouldn't be any negativity involved. They are merely following their own happiness and as long as they are honest about it they are doing no harm to others. Why do 'open' girls get looked down upon? When I ask people what the real problem with it is, they can never give me a real answer... they always just say "It goes against our culture, or... it's not acceptable in China... or it's perverted or slutty" I hope these people understand that their opinions have no basis in reality and are merely cultural conditioning. 
(I will point out though that I do not agree with being in an exclusive relationship then cheating on your partner... this is dishonest and is causing harm... this is NOT what I'm talking about)


What about the idea that you need to be dating for a long time and deeply in love with someone before you should have sex? The truth is sex and love are completely different forces. Everyone has experienced a sexual attraction for someone else without being in love with them(like a celebrity or stranger at a bar), and everyone has loved someone without wanting to have sex with them (like a good friend). So why should we refrain from having sex with those we share mutual attraction for just because we haven't fallen (or won't) fall in love?  Again as long as we are open and honest with the other person, it is causing no harm, but instead bringing about a beautiful and very fun experience. 
I think some girls are afraid of having sex with others before falling in love because they are worried the man will just leave them after. But I wonder why is this a problem? Would they want the man to remain with them even if the man didn't love them? Are they afraid that by having sex the man has somehow taken something from them? Do they think sex is no fun, and that the man is just taking advantage of them? Perhaps they think that after sex they will fall in love with the man, but the man will not love them back... this stems from the idea that love is something you need to get from people rather than something you should give people. 


If we understand that love is something you should give... not something you should try to get... this sadness never occurs. I have loved women in the past that didn't love me back, but it caused me no sadness, because my love shouldn't be full of expectations or rules or needs, it is something we should give unconditionally wether it is returned or not. Do we only give gifts on christmas to people because we want them to give us one in return, or do we give gifts because it makes us feel good? Love, if it is real, should be the same. 


This is how I view sex as well... When I make love with a girl I'm not trying to 'get' anything from her. I'm trying to give to her. Trying to give her a wonderful experience, trying to make it as pleasurable for her as possible, trying to make her feel wonderful.If you see sex as 'taking' from others, you are closing yourself off to the beauty of it. Unfortunately this is how many people look at sex... its as if the guy is trying to get something from the girl, and the girl has to decide if she wants to 'give it up' or not. Really there's no need to take anything from each other, at the very least we should see sex as a simple sharing of pleasure.


While these ideas are a little more accepted in Canada, when I have shared these ideas before in China I had a few bad reactions from people... They say things such as "You just want to play with girls then throw them away." or "You just want to trick girls to have fun." or "You don't understand responsibility." sometimes it seems as if... in the Chinese culture, there is no such thing as sex for pleasure, and if your going to have sex with someone you better be prepared to marry them...When I explain to these people "I'm not trying to take anything from anyone, I don't want to throw anyone away, I'm not trying to trick or lie to anyone." They don't believe me. They see a hidden evil in my ideas... As if there is some kind of cruelty... or at the very least a waste of time.

 What I want to know is... if somes dates 3 or 4 beautiful girls, and completely respects them and cares about them, and treats them wonderful and openly and honestly tells them "I really care about you, but I'm not interested in commitment or exclusivness at this time in my life, and I also will date other women."  Is there really anything evil about this? Is that person really causing any harm? If they have nothing but respect and love for the women, and because of their honesty the women can choose to be with him or not. If they are enjoying spending time together, and sharing experiences together, it could be a totally happy and wonderful for anyone involved... and if not they can move on with a smile.

Plus the truth is maybe one of these girls he meets will completely sweep him off my feet, maybe he'll fall deeply in love with her and his desire for any other girls will fade away. Then maybe he will be ready for commitment and would stop dating others...

...or maybe not


As I mentioned above the way we view sex stems from our cultural conditioning. And as always I encourage everyone to question their culture. (as I do with mine) I read about a group of people who lived in the early 19 hundreds on an island south of the united states. They had a very unique culture in where (because of the warm tropical weather) clothes we're unneccesary so they remained nude almost all of the time. In this culture they were extremely open about sex, they felt it was a great blessing of the world and enjoyed it far more than we do. People would even be seen having sex in public on the beach or in a garden, and it was never thought of as strange or weird. The people we far more kind and loving to each other and to stranger than they are in our culture. and because of all this openness... they had far less confrontations over dating and amazingly they never had cases of rape, or stalking or peeping toms, or sexual abuse of any kind.  


Perhaps we could all use a little more of this loving openness in our lives. Let's try to view sex as a beautiful, fun, experience... without all the supression and negativity and insecurities and expectations associated with it... and where instead of trying to 'get it from others' or seeing it from a 'taking perspective' we instead see it as a beautiful act of giving. 

 

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Comment by AimeeJiang on November 19, 2012 at 10:56am

I could not express my opinion here in english very well, so I will just write in chinese for your ref.

你算是很勇敢,居然可以这么公开。

性本身跟爱是不能分割的,在中国是这样,一旦分开就是道德伦理所不能容的。详细的之所以为什么不能容,我想我不用解释你也多少有了解了,我的重点不是在这里。

你在文章中提到,早期的美国几乎裸体相向,性是公开,这跟低等动物基本没有区别,我们都是动物,那为什么要分高等,低等呢?文明时代的进步,也是人类区别低等动物的最好标志。每个国家甚至细到一个小的村庄都有自己的地域风俗,文明的人不会去之质疑地域风俗,所谓入乡随俗,如果我能够去到早期的美国那个岛上,我也会跟他们的做法一样,假如你参加了当地的西班牙海滩裸奔比赛,当地的人绝对欢迎你加入,没有警察会抓你,如果你在深南大道裸奔,绝对不到十秒,就会有人抓你并谴责你损坏市容,所以,你的观点一定要因地制宜,不然你写的这篇文章是站不住脚的。

 

Comment by Devin Licastro on November 14, 2011 at 12:35am

@David, Thanks for the well thought out response!

Love your insight into this, I couldn't agree more with what you said it all makes perfect sense.

In addition, just to clarify I'm not trying to change the minds or culture of any Chinese people who do not wish to be changed... however there are a few out there, who like you said are on the journey of self-realization and this article is out there for them to find and relate to if they like it. 
But yes... I will remember not to try to force or inject my views onto anyone else... but instead just make them available for those who are looking.
And of course I will question anyone that decides to comment on my article too to try to challenge them :D 

Comment by David Ho on November 13, 2011 at 11:18pm

As a purporter of this perspective and someone who has tried time and time again to instill a like understanding in Chinese women let me say ideally your not off base - for yourself. However pragmatically speaking trying to exercise this philosophy in China will ultimately end up hurting women here and will frustrate and hurt you.

 
We come from a world where independence is idealized, where self realization is a familiar concept for all individuals. You need to be very strong individually and emotionally to exercise this philosophy. The vast majority of Chinese women I've met are just beginning the journey of self-realization. They have yet to have the opportunity to differentiate themselves from the culture that influences them. Often times I have to represent their best interests in discussions as they are incapable of doing so themselves.


The vast majority of Chinese women are subject, and in very significant ways there lives are influenced/limited by, the opinions of those around them - their parents, friends, relatives, community. I'm a student of this reality - it's confusing and exists in stark contrast from my own ideology but nonetheless is the reality most Chinese women I've met deal with. This makes the vision your talking about difficult for the Chinese to realize as living as an exception to the rules your community comes at a much higher price for Chinese.


Any endeavor to bring about change in the chinese culture by outsiders fails - it fails because we fail to obtain a deep understanding of the realities of chinese culture and thinking - because chinese are stubborn - because of lack of trust - and many other reasons beyond my understanding. I would not fault your endeavor but I think it's important to understand and accept this is a reality you will not find accepted in China for a very long time. Let's try to get women here to come to terms with their own individuality first. Come back in a generation and try your luck with progressive ideas about sex :)

Comment by Devin Licastro on November 11, 2011 at 6:35pm

@ Vicky,
hehe Vicky I am interested in your opinion. Let me ask you some questions.


If a boy is not ready for serious commitment (maybe because he is travelling) does that mean he should not date any girls?
What if a boy doesn't want to get into a serious relationship or married until he is 35... does that mean he should be single his whole life until then?
How can you find the perfect girl or boy, until you have some relationship experience and understand what you want from another person?
Why is it bad to have sex with many people if you are honest and safe about it?
Do you agree that because relationships are so so so committed and serious in China many people who aren't right for each other or happy together to stay together? and also causes much more pain the normal for a breakup?

Love to hear your thoughts. 

Comment by Devin Licastro on November 11, 2011 at 3:47pm

@Freakboy Totally agree, before gaining lots of relationship experience and truly learning first hand what you want from a relationship, there's no way you can know if the person you are with is really the right one for you or not.

I had a few friends who had fallen in love and thought they we're in love 100% but then after breaking up with those girls and finding new girlfriends, they realized the new love was way stronger than the old one... what they used to think the 10/10 perfect love was, was now like a 6/10 on the scale of their new girl.

@Justin Thanks for the support! I agree, it's just sex, what really matters is the connections between the people, whether it be friends, lovers or whatever.

Comment by Justin McCloud on November 11, 2011 at 2:50pm

but it is just sex... not so important.. people are more important la

Comment by Justin McCloud on November 11, 2011 at 2:48pm

MATE I LIKE IT

Comment by Freakboy on November 11, 2011 at 2:46pm
I have said many times that finding the right one for you, has as much to do with finding the wrong one and knowing that they are the wrong one. Without getting out there and trying a few wrong ones how the hell can you tell with ones are wrong for you? Once you understand that then you can find the right one.
Comment by Jerica on November 11, 2011 at 1:21pm

oh,a very long article,people's opinions about sex vary from person to person,though I differ with you on some point,but I do love the sentence below:

[Do we only give gifts on christmas to people because we want them to give us one in return, or do we give gifts because it makes us feel good? Love, if it is real, should be the same.]

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